The Hillarycan Dream
I am not influenced.
I will not microwave processed burritos, only on those unforgettable nightly adventures when gearing up or cooling down from saying “anything can happen.”
I will not watch daytime television such as According to Jim, no more sitcoms, no talk shows, no “reality”, no infomercials.
No no no no no. I will not do these things.”
I will sit in my bowl chair butterfly legs, hatched in my mind’s life view, straying and straying and straying and shouting and sprinting away from conformity, carrying God in my fanny pack.
Now I will go get my Red burrito from the mailbox.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Continuing in Renewel
I feel like I have been able to make decisions a little bit easier, and be more clear headed about things. Since my fog has passed, I have been resting more- a few naps here and there never hurt anyone!, not getting up and going to the gym at 7am, and staying up late worrying. Nah, none of that. I have been also eating healthier, actual meals because I am so much more active up here! And not schedualing like ten coffee dates (expensive and overwhelming) in one week. I took a look at myself in this past year, since I have grown so much in spirituality, organization, fitness, friends, and family, the root of that was a fear of losing it and going back to my old ways. But that is an unhealthy way to think, that is pressure too and I need to release that pressure and turn that into TRUSTING that God will take care of me and that if I just keep on pursuing Him and doing the right stuff, there is no way that I will back track...it just doesn't make any sense. So my next task is to just learn to have fun and balancing being responsible and enjoying life to the fullest. Not putting so much pressure to to so many things at once. I have learned that I am very slow. Slow with my memory- super absent minded, and slow with processing and adapting to new situations. I can't put too many things on my plate- so multi-tasking is not my favorite. But I am feeling so renewed and fresh. Myself again. It is a proccess, but I have the fuel right now.
It is such a pretty day outside, autumn leaves are surrounding the ground, and the sunshine streaming through the yellow and burnt orange leaves is such a beaut. I went to first Friday last friday at Calvary Chapel Petaluma with Inter Varsity and the theme was meditating and singing about God's love. How deep, long, wide, massive as an eternal sea. Pastor Zach gave a beautiful visual of imagining God's love is an endless and eternal ocean that goes on in all directions and there is a beach with a little boy, who's holding a little petite tea cup and runs out to the MASSIVE ocean and tries to fill his small little cup with the water. That is like us and God's love. In our life, we try so hard to get closer to God, but in His great majesty, in reality His love is so uncomprehendably (yah thats a word) big that we only experience out little cup full. And how much more we get to be revealed in heaven!
It is such a pretty day outside, autumn leaves are surrounding the ground, and the sunshine streaming through the yellow and burnt orange leaves is such a beaut. I went to first Friday last friday at Calvary Chapel Petaluma with Inter Varsity and the theme was meditating and singing about God's love. How deep, long, wide, massive as an eternal sea. Pastor Zach gave a beautiful visual of imagining God's love is an endless and eternal ocean that goes on in all directions and there is a beach with a little boy, who's holding a little petite tea cup and runs out to the MASSIVE ocean and tries to fill his small little cup with the water. That is like us and God's love. In our life, we try so hard to get closer to God, but in His great majesty, in reality His love is so uncomprehendably (yah thats a word) big that we only experience out little cup full. And how much more we get to be revealed in heaven!
Fresh Me
Lately the latest::
The past month I have been inactive. Inactive in my thoughts, they have been a thick cloud in my head- like the Sonoma fog was actually sitting inside of my mind's eye. And I couldn't get out of it. It was a lost wilderness of a vast mixture of unnecessary stressers, unnessecary guilt and shame, which led to me getting mentally, spiritually, and physically sick. The unnessary stressers held hands with guilt and shame which were me putting too much pressure on myself being in a sorority. This desicion that should have been a slightly hard desision, due to the fear of hurting people's feelings and not being sure if I would regret dropping in the future, actually became shaky anxiety 24/7 and a half. For two and a half weeks this decision consumed my every thought- literally- and it therefor interFEARED with my relationships with friends, fam, and the Big Man...it was so bad. When my dad came to visit during one of those weekends, I could barely enjoy my time with him...so bad and I needed a release from those feelings. Prayed, prayed, prayed about it and God answered me loud and clear one night through my friend Kelsey. The answer was to drop, no one could make the decision but myself and I knew it in my heart to be true. Looking back, it was such a miniscuel decision that I put WAYY too much pressure on. I needed to be still and let God in and not be running around. It probably would have helped if I did what I am doing right now-which is NOTHING but worshipping God. Earbuds in the Lib listening and meditating on God and Him in my life. He likes it when we hang out with Him. Btw, about me dropping, I feel so much happier now and still get to co-lead with my two Gamma Phi Beta friends, Shelby and Sarah, in the Greek Bible Study which is SUCH A BLESSING that I get to do God's work in that ministry. Because I truly feel like God is calling me in that, and that me joining and being a part of a soririty was definitely in God's deck of cards for me because He used me to bring so many girls into faith! AMEN AMEN AMEN!
Soo even after going through that stressful experience, God still had something else to teach me about stress, and guilt and shame. I saw my dear friend Bryn do an amazing job when he came to Sonoma State to do a screening for Invisible Children, which is a horrid war that is currently going on in Uganda, Africa, where children are being forced into killing their families and being brainwashed into soldier-killing machines.
http://www.invisiblechildren.com/about
Yeah, it excuse me SUCKS. He took a semester off of college at Cal Poly San Louis Obispo (he's currently a sophomore) to do this full-time volunteer service. How SICK is that right?!?! He's such an inspiration to me for his sacrifice, and I became so obsessed with the idea of doing that next year. However, another thing on my agenda was to study abroad in France, and I had been talking to many different people about that and of course it would be amazing..life challenging and changing experience, gorgeous, traveling GALOR, yada yada yada amazing trip right?! However again, I was not stopping, chilling out, and really looking at my life and these two HUGE ideas with the bigger picture. I was getting confused about where God was in this..and the truth is...after another looong foggy two week period with the same thought slavery and shaky anxiety, God answered me through a cry session with my mom. She made everything cleared out and he sky was blue again, the fog had faded away. I am not ready for either of those desicions yet in my life for next year. It would drive me nuts like it was already, just thinking about them was driving me crazy. I need next year to BE. BE in Sonoma and really enjoy it here, I just up and left Orange County and that was a huge adjustment already and I was forgetting how much I have already went through to get where I am now; so I need to just BE here. I am taking this year to just feel things out, absorb new things and build friendships, next year will be a good establishment of all of those things. hahh, sigh of relief to because God is always greater and can use me in tremendous ways in Sonoma too! Anywhere. It was not right thinking of who God is and how and where He works. I don't need to have guilt and shame in thinking just because I am not jumping right this second in my life on board with serving with Invisible Children doesn't mean I should feel guilty that I am not taking God's call in going with them. I know that I am fit for the job and that God has created me with a passion for this cause, but at this point in my life, I am not ready for it.
SO that has been my stuff lately. And I feel like I am coming out of the fog and the wilderness. It feels SOOOO incredibly AMAZING to have those so so heavy weights lifted off of me and to be myself again. I praise God for leading me through and out of those storms and know there was a definite purpose of those crappy and stressful feelings because through those trials come a flow of many many blessings of peace, wisdom, and more knowledge of God's amazing love.
The past month I have been inactive. Inactive in my thoughts, they have been a thick cloud in my head- like the Sonoma fog was actually sitting inside of my mind's eye. And I couldn't get out of it. It was a lost wilderness of a vast mixture of unnecessary stressers, unnessecary guilt and shame, which led to me getting mentally, spiritually, and physically sick. The unnessary stressers held hands with guilt and shame which were me putting too much pressure on myself being in a sorority. This desicion that should have been a slightly hard desision, due to the fear of hurting people's feelings and not being sure if I would regret dropping in the future, actually became shaky anxiety 24/7 and a half. For two and a half weeks this decision consumed my every thought- literally- and it therefor interFEARED with my relationships with friends, fam, and the Big Man...it was so bad. When my dad came to visit during one of those weekends, I could barely enjoy my time with him...so bad and I needed a release from those feelings. Prayed, prayed, prayed about it and God answered me loud and clear one night through my friend Kelsey. The answer was to drop, no one could make the decision but myself and I knew it in my heart to be true. Looking back, it was such a miniscuel decision that I put WAYY too much pressure on. I needed to be still and let God in and not be running around. It probably would have helped if I did what I am doing right now-which is NOTHING but worshipping God. Earbuds in the Lib listening and meditating on God and Him in my life. He likes it when we hang out with Him. Btw, about me dropping, I feel so much happier now and still get to co-lead with my two Gamma Phi Beta friends, Shelby and Sarah, in the Greek Bible Study which is SUCH A BLESSING that I get to do God's work in that ministry. Because I truly feel like God is calling me in that, and that me joining and being a part of a soririty was definitely in God's deck of cards for me because He used me to bring so many girls into faith! AMEN AMEN AMEN!
Soo even after going through that stressful experience, God still had something else to teach me about stress, and guilt and shame. I saw my dear friend Bryn do an amazing job when he came to Sonoma State to do a screening for Invisible Children, which is a horrid war that is currently going on in Uganda, Africa, where children are being forced into killing their families and being brainwashed into soldier-killing machines.
http://www.invisiblechildren.com/about
Yeah, it excuse me SUCKS. He took a semester off of college at Cal Poly San Louis Obispo (he's currently a sophomore) to do this full-time volunteer service. How SICK is that right?!?! He's such an inspiration to me for his sacrifice, and I became so obsessed with the idea of doing that next year. However, another thing on my agenda was to study abroad in France, and I had been talking to many different people about that and of course it would be amazing..life challenging and changing experience, gorgeous, traveling GALOR, yada yada yada amazing trip right?! However again, I was not stopping, chilling out, and really looking at my life and these two HUGE ideas with the bigger picture. I was getting confused about where God was in this..and the truth is...after another looong foggy two week period with the same thought slavery and shaky anxiety, God answered me through a cry session with my mom. She made everything cleared out and he sky was blue again, the fog had faded away. I am not ready for either of those desicions yet in my life for next year. It would drive me nuts like it was already, just thinking about them was driving me crazy. I need next year to BE. BE in Sonoma and really enjoy it here, I just up and left Orange County and that was a huge adjustment already and I was forgetting how much I have already went through to get where I am now; so I need to just BE here. I am taking this year to just feel things out, absorb new things and build friendships, next year will be a good establishment of all of those things. hahh, sigh of relief to because God is always greater and can use me in tremendous ways in Sonoma too! Anywhere. It was not right thinking of who God is and how and where He works. I don't need to have guilt and shame in thinking just because I am not jumping right this second in my life on board with serving with Invisible Children doesn't mean I should feel guilty that I am not taking God's call in going with them. I know that I am fit for the job and that God has created me with a passion for this cause, but at this point in my life, I am not ready for it.
SO that has been my stuff lately. And I feel like I am coming out of the fog and the wilderness. It feels SOOOO incredibly AMAZING to have those so so heavy weights lifted off of me and to be myself again. I praise God for leading me through and out of those storms and know there was a definite purpose of those crappy and stressful feelings because through those trials come a flow of many many blessings of peace, wisdom, and more knowledge of God's amazing love.
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